Dancing with Deception

As a small child, I was taught pain. I was introduced to a Great Deception in the midst of my innocence. My body and spirit were smeared by of all kinds of Abuse by the people who were supposed to love and protect me.  My body held the bruises of hatred and anger but my spirit held the brunt of the scars, still burned deep inside my soul. I was taught that I was Bad and I deserved no Happiness; only Pain and Confusion and Hopelessness and Tears. I tried so hard to understand what was so wrong, so bad about me that I had to be hurt physically, emotionally and sexually. I didn’t know what to do right, or how to make it better; because I had done nothing wrong. And the little seeds of deceit began to grow. 


By high-school I was jumping foster homes, I had no family, no identity and I felt completely lost. I became hyper sensitive to people’s emotions towards me and applied it directly to myself worth and esteem. I believed a magnificent Lie. I punished myself constantly for other people’s crimes. If someone was mean or angry it was My Fault. It seemed that there was something terribly wrong with me that everyone else could see, but it baffled me. I beLIEved that I was a horrible person and that no one loved me.


One day I surrendered to the pain and the abuse and the shame of a world that had failed me too many times. The loneliness and shame engulfed me and I couldn’t breathe. Silently, gleefully waiting in the shadows was this enchanting ADDICTION. I’d been warned as a child about drugs, the “Just Say No” and Drugs are Bad; but that wasn’t in my mind as I inhaled my first joint. It wasn’t so scary after all, my friends weren’t dying, they were having fun. If I was Bad and drugs were bad, then I guess we went hand in hand. How very little did I know that I had just stepped onto a new road with something so beyond dangerous that I knew nothing about…or so it seemed. 





My dear Treacherous Addiction, Shall we Dance?

Hidden shame unto me, into shame that I have chosen

Befitting for the pain I cast upon myself. 

I will Control this Pain and Addiction will lead the way.

I give to it my hopeless existence in exchange for

Unravelling desperation. 

Let’s exchange misery for misery.

A perfect wreckless deliberance,

Cloaked in casual frolicking with defiance and false

Control - when there is none at all.

Mirrored ironically for another emptiness

The illusions of numb secrets and reflections

My sweet addiction invisible and cunning

Always along for the ride. 

Possess me Addiction; make it hurt No more.

The parasite joins smoothly into a paradox waltz.

You throw me in a cage and you lock it with my mind. 

Somewhere in the pain was the key, why couldn’t I see it?

While we Dance you make me beLIEve that I am in Control

We, who have danced with Addiction,

we All fall for It,

for it is the ultimate Deception.

~Tina Thebeau